I don’t usually write about the struggles associated with owning a small business, but if I was going to write anything about it ever, today would be the day. Today, a Tuesday just like last Tuesday (though hopefully nothing like last Tuesday!) where I wake up wondering how we’re going to pull in the kind of clients we need to get to the success we’ve dreamed of…or even the success we need to achieve just to maintain operations. We put our blood, sweat, tears, and late nights into this company, and there’s still so much work to do. It’s overwhelming.
But today is a different kind of in-over-my head, and the effects of a VERY quiet winter in production have my legs shaking in fear. Today is the last day we’re just 2 months late on rent; tomorrow, a new month starts, that number jumps to 3 months late, and it’s no April Fool’s prank. We are where we are. I could rack my brain trying to find answers or assign blame, but it won’t change that number or that this is the worst situation we’ve ever found ourselves financially; even after a 2011 double layoff, even after an expensive divorce from my ex, nothing compares to the scene we find ourselves in today. And tomorrow, it gets “worse”. It’s dizzying!
But then, I see it. A glimpse of hope shines through the kaleidoscope of color I’m looking through. Just as dizzying, in a completely different way, I see God’s hand in this situation – He’s in everything. His love envelopes my heart in this season just as it has in the past when I’ve found myself weak at the knees in all the wrong ways – He’s there, assuring me I’m on the right path and that this place, this rock hard place I find myself in, is exactly where he wants me to be.
It’s dizzying because I’m upside down, wondering what comes next for our family and for our little baby company we brought into the home like a newborn child in 2013. It’s every entrepreneurs dream to be financially secure, to set up for themselves a future their children can count on, and in this season I’m so inspired by the visionary leaders in business and design who built themselves while navigating troubled waters like the ones I’m standing waist-high in right now. We could sit here second-guessing our decisions early on in the company, or we can learn from the mistakes we’ve made in the process of starting this company and GROW.
The future is scary and uncertain, whether one chooses a 9-5 job or something a little less linear like we have. The only security we can cling to is the hope of new beginnings in this life and the grace found in God that covers a multitude of mistakes, in all aspects of life. Even in startups, even in business. I’m determined to be living proof of this grace, whether it’s pouring out over me as I stumble, or covering me gracefully in success.
If His grace is an ocean, I want to tank in that sea. Let me sink deeper than anyone has sank before me.
It’s dizzying, but in all the right ways.
PS. Anyone need a video?!